Providing support

Offering support is not always easy. Whilst most patients need it to help them deal with the many demands of their disease and treatment, the nature and level of support they require can vary dramatically.

Being there for friends

If it is a friend or work colleague who has fallen ill you may be only too willing to help, but feel awkward, or lack confidence about how to approach them. Many people are afraid that they willl say something insensitive, or even stupid. Chances are, however, that your friend will appreciate that you want to help them through a difficult time. You may be unsure whether you are needed but in most cases it is best just to ask. Being 'useful' can help relieve any anxiety or sense of powerlessness you may be feeling.

Most people feel comfortable providing practical support, especially if they are guided by being given specific tasks. For example, help with cooking, housework, picking up the kids, or taking care of the family pet. In some cases, friends and relatives devise a roster to help with the necessary day-to-day running of the household, especially where children are involved.

Emotional support is also important. This involves being there to listen and offer comfort, understanding and encouragement. It's natural to feel uncomfortable, nervous or overwhelmed at times. If you feel overwhelmed or you 'don't know what to say' when talking to the person with cancer, just tell them so. They will probably understand and appreciate that you care for them and are doing your best.

Where appropriate you could help put the person who is ill in contact with relevant services and organisations, such as the Leukaemia & Blood Foundation. The LBF can provide practical, emotional and financial assistance for patients and families.

Support groups can offer the patient important information and a supportive environment for discussing their concerns or feelings. Click here for more information on the Leukaemia & Blood Foundation's support groups.

Helping a loved one

If it is someone close to you who has been diagnosed with a blood cancer, the experience can be very frightening. You may feel that you don't know enough about it, that you don't have any control over what's happening or what's going to happen. The person you are caring for is probably afraid too, but you may both be hiding what you really feel so as not to make each other more anxious.

It can help to find a sympathetic person you can talk to about your fears and worries. Just talking and getting your concerns out into the open might be enough. You may then find that you are better able to help the person who is ill talk about their fears. Alternatively, they may prefer to talk to someone outside of their immediate circle.

Emotions

You are bound to have times when you are low, usually when you are very tired or anxious, or the person you are caring for is unhappy or needs a lot of help. Usually, these low times don't last long, but if you find that you always feel that way, or you often feel quite desperate or panic-stricken, you could be depressed.

Don't feel you are letting yourself down if you admit to feeling depressed. No one is going to think any worse of you. Your friends and family may not realise how much strain you are under. Talk to them, if you can, and ask them if they can help you, e.g. by giving you a few hours off every few days so that you can have some time to yourself. If you feel that you can't lift yourself out of your depression, it may be helpful to talk to a counsellor. Your GP may be able to refer you to one.

Many people say that after they have got over the initial shock of being told that someone close to them has advanced cancer, they start to feel very bitter or angry. It may seem very unfair that illness has interrupted all your plans together.

You may have to cope with anger, not just towards the illness, but also towards the person you are caring for. You might find that you start to lose your temper with them, especially if they have become irritable or depressed. Feeling angry with each other like this is to be expected and there is no reason to feel guilty about it. However, it is important to find a way of dealing with your anger before it builds up too much. It might help if you can talk about it to a relative or an old friend, or someone else who has been through the same experience. Some people find that writing about their anger helps them release some of the emotion.

Regaining control

Caring for someone can be very frustrating. Being cared for can be frustrating too. Between you, you need to work out a way of getting along in which you both feel that you have some control over your own lives. As the carer, you need to make sure that you have some time entirely to yourself when you can do something that you enjoy and find satisfying.

If the person you are caring for is also very frustrated, try to think of ways in which they can have some independence and freedom. If they are bed-bound, could you arrange for the phone to be extended so that it is within easy reach? Could you buy, hire or borrow a small television with a remote control so that they can change channels without having to call for your help? Could they help with some of the things you currently do? Most importantly, make sure that they are fully involved in decisions about their treatment and care.

If you are at home looking after someone full-time, you may not have much opportunity to go out and socialise. You might begin to believe that only you can do the caring required. It is very important, though, that you do see other people, even if it is only once or twice a week. Once you get used to not seeing other people, it becomes more and more difficult to make contact. Also, other people may eventually stop making approaches to you if you are always rejecting their offers of help or company.

You may also find that you are experiencing feelings of guilt that you can't do more, while the person you are caring for may also feel guilty, perhaps about how much disruption and stress the illness is causing to the household and to you.

The Leukaemia & Blood Foundation Support Services Co-ordinators are always happy to offer advice and help. Click here to contact them.